Hey i'm back....i cant believe so fast i'm blogging again....ok...i'm a bit stressed perhaps thats y...cant seem to solve my stats 2 homework till I informed the whole world looking for help....finally tink i make some breakthrough and shall go do some spssing tomorrow.
Schoolwork has been getting busier and busier. I begin to hate tutorials increasingly as they always give me more work like homework or readings. lectures are crazy enough to deal with by themselves. Haiz...i just hope the mid sem break comes now...i need a break...from all these shit...or even better next week arrives....just hate odd weeks...in fact i wish time flies so fast that october is here....yeah...den the car is here...still cant believe daddy bought the car so instantly....i know i always wanted another car in the family but i didnt expect him to do it so quickly....anyway cant wait to drive anyway i wan....like go supper or to places i want....but i know i wun go overboard....i jus need it to satisfy my needs...haven told any frends about it....prob cos i dun wan so much attention and all to come to me when i have the car....not for my soccer frends though...kinda time to return the favour since they have been ferrying me so much for so long. Not for other frends though...best they find out....i dun understand y is everyone like leaving my life...kinda regret that i've been so cold in school...realli have no frends in arts....no frends i can eat with....no frends i can tok to, see on the corridor....haiz...hope all these will change soon? cant always bother frends from other fac too....afraid they find me a bother...thinking of it now i have a car....i have practically EVERYTHING a guy needs in my age less a girlfriend. i realli cant imagine i got the car first....now that i got it, isnt it more difficult to make frends or even girlfriends? For you duno whether they like your car or you urself...maybe i shouldnt drive tt much and take public transport as often or when i go out with new frends. Tink maybe girlfriend part realli wun happen during uni time....kinda realli dun have any frends at all and maybe or confirm will be more anti social when i drive to school. Anyway, just be happy...who cares...nobody cares about you anyway. Just got injured again!! Its damn frustrating....when u wait one week for a match and you get injured and the week is gone...god damn it....my knee is twisted and i find it hard to bend....hope i recover soon....mus regain my touch and speed soon...i pray so....
Monday, September 10, 2007
Monday, September 03, 2007
Carrot and rabbit
Whahaha....i realised i hadn't blogged for 3 years? And kinda stumbled upon my blog again and realise they locked my blog until i had to retrieve the password again. Read my previous blogs....and realise so much has changed and i was so much immature years ago. Don't think anyone stumble upon my blog....if you do, pls let me know.
Anyway kinda wanna blog tonite...so much has changed recently....oh...she came back into my life....perhaps after i stopped blogging or should i say came in and out repeatedly. Always during the holidays...and never a 2nd time. Its like hanging a carrot in front of a rabbit and after it has a bite, you keep the carrot till maybe the next time you feel it deserve it again....making the rabbit wonder what wrong has it done. Hmm...dun realli blame her....its my overindulgence rather than she leading me on. Isaac was right...I shldnt make excuses for her when I don't even noe her or she didnt even give me any clearer signs of progressing. But anyway, still learning to refrain from biting the carrot or even refusing to look at it. In search of cabbages or other veg to prove they are better than carrots...haha...Anyhow...I rem she said "Do you think I will get attached first or you?" Though then i wanted to very much say "together", i refrained...perhaps a wrong decision but nevertheless I tink i know you don't have feelings for me, perhaps not even the slightest. Makes me wonder if anything happen to me this very moment will you find out tmr when the sun rises. I still go with what I say then "I think you will get a boyfriend first. I will need quite some time to get one(bcos of you)" From the bottom of my heart, yes....hope you realli get someone nice soon? And perhaps i'll forget abt you? Or perhaps tt will be the end of our see-saw relationship.
I said I matured quite a bit in years and I agree...i can see the maturity in myself. Thinking often for others rather than others thinking for me....so much so that sometimes i expect them to spare a thought for me or expect something in return. But perhaps not so....i'm acting like a 26 year old guy...i'm quite certain...or maybe even 24, 25...becos of friends like kai, keith, kelvin etc. Realli fortunate to have met them...although it looks or sounds strange i'm mixing with pple that are much older and probably doing things beyond my age, i learnt alot from them. Abt life, abt logical thinking, abt the society....though all may not be good but i like to tink i know what is good for me and what is not. Does that somehow brings my disappointment to friends who are same age or younger than me? That they treat friendships lightly, that they forget good pple fast, that they only have eyes for their partners, that they only tink abt themselves and not spare a thought for pple? sometimes i wonder if they noe how i tink and there....my older friends show me that they been through this b4 and they noe me...perhaps this has realli affected my life a fair bit. I start to tink pple do not value me even for the things i did for them....start to tink maybe i shouldnt treat them as nice since i'm not getting the same treatment. But kenny always remains kenny...he is always soft hearted and try to be selfless. I wonder when this "mission" to be number 1 mr nice guy gonna end....its tiring being one.....and I don't wan to be one...end of the day....who rems u? who comes back to you and say "kenny, thanks for the things you done for me...." who calls you up occasionally and ask how are you? Nobody....sad to say....they don't even keep promises any more. Which is why i treasure my elder friends alot, always there....though they dun ask wats wrong...they know wats wrong....makes you wonder if there's someone out there always looking after you. Perhaps your partner.....ya...but don't think i'm anywhere near that....don't think any gal can accept a 22 who tinks and tok like a 26....too mature...so mature its almost like forcing a gal whos out of a cocoon just to grow up with you....ya...quite sure there's no gal like tt....will be quite scary for her....and the ordeal she need to go through...
Haiz...hope i can blog more...makes me feel kinda better...provided i can rem my password...haha...in the next couple of months...i hope i make more friends, best is be happy...haven been realli happy for a long time....hope i like what ever i am doing and everything goes well...so that behind that smile can be a real smile soon...hope to meet that smile that make me smile too soon....cya
Anyway kinda wanna blog tonite...so much has changed recently....oh...she came back into my life....perhaps after i stopped blogging or should i say came in and out repeatedly. Always during the holidays...and never a 2nd time. Its like hanging a carrot in front of a rabbit and after it has a bite, you keep the carrot till maybe the next time you feel it deserve it again....making the rabbit wonder what wrong has it done. Hmm...dun realli blame her....its my overindulgence rather than she leading me on. Isaac was right...I shldnt make excuses for her when I don't even noe her or she didnt even give me any clearer signs of progressing. But anyway, still learning to refrain from biting the carrot or even refusing to look at it. In search of cabbages or other veg to prove they are better than carrots...haha...Anyhow...I rem she said "Do you think I will get attached first or you?" Though then i wanted to very much say "together", i refrained...perhaps a wrong decision but nevertheless I tink i know you don't have feelings for me, perhaps not even the slightest. Makes me wonder if anything happen to me this very moment will you find out tmr when the sun rises. I still go with what I say then "I think you will get a boyfriend first. I will need quite some time to get one(bcos of you)" From the bottom of my heart, yes....hope you realli get someone nice soon? And perhaps i'll forget abt you? Or perhaps tt will be the end of our see-saw relationship.
I said I matured quite a bit in years and I agree...i can see the maturity in myself. Thinking often for others rather than others thinking for me....so much so that sometimes i expect them to spare a thought for me or expect something in return. But perhaps not so....i'm acting like a 26 year old guy...i'm quite certain...or maybe even 24, 25...becos of friends like kai, keith, kelvin etc. Realli fortunate to have met them...although it looks or sounds strange i'm mixing with pple that are much older and probably doing things beyond my age, i learnt alot from them. Abt life, abt logical thinking, abt the society....though all may not be good but i like to tink i know what is good for me and what is not. Does that somehow brings my disappointment to friends who are same age or younger than me? That they treat friendships lightly, that they forget good pple fast, that they only have eyes for their partners, that they only tink abt themselves and not spare a thought for pple? sometimes i wonder if they noe how i tink and there....my older friends show me that they been through this b4 and they noe me...perhaps this has realli affected my life a fair bit. I start to tink pple do not value me even for the things i did for them....start to tink maybe i shouldnt treat them as nice since i'm not getting the same treatment. But kenny always remains kenny...he is always soft hearted and try to be selfless. I wonder when this "mission" to be number 1 mr nice guy gonna end....its tiring being one.....and I don't wan to be one...end of the day....who rems u? who comes back to you and say "kenny, thanks for the things you done for me...." who calls you up occasionally and ask how are you? Nobody....sad to say....they don't even keep promises any more. Which is why i treasure my elder friends alot, always there....though they dun ask wats wrong...they know wats wrong....makes you wonder if there's someone out there always looking after you. Perhaps your partner.....ya...but don't think i'm anywhere near that....don't think any gal can accept a 22 who tinks and tok like a 26....too mature...so mature its almost like forcing a gal whos out of a cocoon just to grow up with you....ya...quite sure there's no gal like tt....will be quite scary for her....and the ordeal she need to go through...
Haiz...hope i can blog more...makes me feel kinda better...provided i can rem my password...haha...in the next couple of months...i hope i make more friends, best is be happy...haven been realli happy for a long time....hope i like what ever i am doing and everything goes well...so that behind that smile can be a real smile soon...hope to meet that smile that make me smile too soon....cya
Sunday, December 05, 2004
NoV NeWs
I read the hororscope that nov will be a great month for me and it was right...everything was juz great. I got my driving license, went through the dog parade sucessfully and organise a bbq which well, almost was a sucess. Sigh....i cooked all night and didnt get to interact with them at all which was really disappointing....but i was happy. I used to be this sad guy who could be put down by juz anything, even a simple comment...but i think i grew out of it. Somehow i felt i could control my mood better...one of the ways is to be happy or content about little things that happen to me...like yesterday...i was juz happy to served them...doing the cooking. All the concerns, praises that they gave me made me felt it was all worthwhile...tt was why i could keep myself happy for days...juz becos of small reasons like this...Everyone has changed...hmm..u noe what i mean...she kinda look diff now....but still cold as usual...haha...juz so happy to see everyone together...makes me feel organising this bbq was all worthwhile.
Sigh...xmas is here and somehow i dun have a single reason to celebrate....somehow still working in this month is kinda damping my spirits. Juz hope something good will cheer me up during xmas...my friends are having duty on xmas....makes me wonder what i'm gonna do on xmas...i dun wan to spend it alone...suddenly i juz feel all so lonely again...damn...why do i always reach this feeling of mine.............
Sigh...xmas is here and somehow i dun have a single reason to celebrate....somehow still working in this month is kinda damping my spirits. Juz hope something good will cheer me up during xmas...my friends are having duty on xmas....makes me wonder what i'm gonna do on xmas...i dun wan to spend it alone...suddenly i juz feel all so lonely again...damn...why do i always reach this feeling of mine.............
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Nobody knows
Hmm...Dumbledore had this pensieve, something like a wash bowl, where he got place his thoughts in it when his mind got full....sometimes i wish i had one of those....so i wun think of something i dun wan but juz view it like a photo album. i wanted to tell this to you, u're my best frend...but u went australia...i didnt had anyone then and i couldnt trust anyone...so tink i juz write it here...dun think anyone will take a look too so i feel safe.
It was 6 years ago....i was in this class and knew little people...'she' was the first gal i knew i think...yeah...and we kinda hit it off well...really enjoyed the times we tok online...can still rem once we tok till dawn...everything was fun and gd...life at 13 and 14 was...wanted to tell her how i felt but everytime i felt inferior and backed to the darkness....heard rumours she liked me but didnt thought it was real...i knew something like that would happen...its all my fault...i kinda know gals like her couldnt stay single for long...den i found out u had him as ur bf....he was my gd frend...ever there for me and nice...=) didnt noe y...tt night i didnt cry...i thought i did...but i didnt...but yes i was upset definitely..i thought i would juz breakdown cos i didnt felt like that for someone b4 but i didnt....i juz had sleepless nites...thinking rubbish and reasons why u chose him...i blame the whole world but myself...i was wrong...i went quiet, low in confidence..walk with my head down all day...i wasnt myself...u noticed that i noe...i'm sorry...if time returns i shld have been more graceful.
Den u broke up with him...i wondered y i didnt cry that day when u had him...maybe i didnt like u deep enough...i wasnt happy with the breakup den...i realise how stupid i was feeling sad...u told him it was for ur results.......we didnt tok........even after we graduated.....u went one sch and me another.....i thot my world was free of u till one day, the day i dread came true...u asked me...whether i felt something for u den....u tried to make me admit it...but yes...u alraedy noe it so y make me say it...did u noe how much fake smiles and lonliness i went thru juz to forget about u? so what if i say yes...the feeling is nv the same again....yes, i do think abt u but the feeling is not there anymore....u're juz a memory to me now...u didnt tok to me after that night....guess i said something strong to u....heard u had another bf in ur new sch...wish u happiness....sigh...nv ever told my best frend abt the nite she tok to me....tt was the first time i felt wat was love...with pain regretfully...haiz...wonder how she is now....
Guess this incident is still huanting me.....draining all my confidence in knowing gals....sometimes i wonder if 50 years down the road i'll be those ah peks walking on the roads...so lonely...tts why my frends are so impt but the gd ones are few....haizzz....wish i could be with u in aust....nobody noes me as well as u do le....
It was 6 years ago....i was in this class and knew little people...'she' was the first gal i knew i think...yeah...and we kinda hit it off well...really enjoyed the times we tok online...can still rem once we tok till dawn...everything was fun and gd...life at 13 and 14 was...wanted to tell her how i felt but everytime i felt inferior and backed to the darkness....heard rumours she liked me but didnt thought it was real...i knew something like that would happen...its all my fault...i kinda know gals like her couldnt stay single for long...den i found out u had him as ur bf....he was my gd frend...ever there for me and nice...=) didnt noe y...tt night i didnt cry...i thought i did...but i didnt...but yes i was upset definitely..i thought i would juz breakdown cos i didnt felt like that for someone b4 but i didnt....i juz had sleepless nites...thinking rubbish and reasons why u chose him...i blame the whole world but myself...i was wrong...i went quiet, low in confidence..walk with my head down all day...i wasnt myself...u noticed that i noe...i'm sorry...if time returns i shld have been more graceful.
Den u broke up with him...i wondered y i didnt cry that day when u had him...maybe i didnt like u deep enough...i wasnt happy with the breakup den...i realise how stupid i was feeling sad...u told him it was for ur results.......we didnt tok........even after we graduated.....u went one sch and me another.....i thot my world was free of u till one day, the day i dread came true...u asked me...whether i felt something for u den....u tried to make me admit it...but yes...u alraedy noe it so y make me say it...did u noe how much fake smiles and lonliness i went thru juz to forget about u? so what if i say yes...the feeling is nv the same again....yes, i do think abt u but the feeling is not there anymore....u're juz a memory to me now...u didnt tok to me after that night....guess i said something strong to u....heard u had another bf in ur new sch...wish u happiness....sigh...nv ever told my best frend abt the nite she tok to me....tt was the first time i felt wat was love...with pain regretfully...haiz...wonder how she is now....
Guess this incident is still huanting me.....draining all my confidence in knowing gals....sometimes i wonder if 50 years down the road i'll be those ah peks walking on the roads...so lonely...tts why my frends are so impt but the gd ones are few....haizzz....wish i could be with u in aust....nobody noes me as well as u do le....
Friday, September 17, 2004
Failure!!!
Saw this smss gal on the bus 67 yesterday at 730....boy she was cute....had to stand beside her becos of the crowd...she's not the kind that was very attractive but her eyes juz caught my attention....mind went bongers again...wanted to ask her her name...her age...juz wanted to noe her...but in the end i alighted before her with nothing but juz some dead dreams...noticed she was carrying this blue adidas bag...haizz...juz wish i have the courage sometimes to approach people...is it this lack of courage that makes me such a failure in relationships? if it is...how many relationships have i ended before i even want them to start...haizz...duno...tink lost count ba..
Gals are so difficult...hardly ever noe wat they are thinking...sometimes they tell u their probs sometimes they dun...and its all a guessing game again...haiz...why is it love which is something that i dun think i have fate with is appearing and disappearing right in front of me so often? am i craving too much for it thus i am thinking too much? if not i dun wan to feel like that...man...i juz wish i could be like my seniors...single...so carefree...i wan to be like them...i dun wan to think about this love thingy which is nothing but juz empty dreams and promises...
Gals are so difficult...hardly ever noe wat they are thinking...sometimes they tell u their probs sometimes they dun...and its all a guessing game again...haiz...why is it love which is something that i dun think i have fate with is appearing and disappearing right in front of me so often? am i craving too much for it thus i am thinking too much? if not i dun wan to feel like that...man...i juz wish i could be like my seniors...single...so carefree...i wan to be like them...i dun wan to think about this love thingy which is nothing but juz empty dreams and promises...
Monday, July 19, 2004
Sunday events
had a quarrel with care last nite....damn it...dun even noe if its a quarrel. He's always like this...juz thinking abt himself...Today match leh..he noes i'm going rite...he dun wan to play den i muz follow him meh...still see brotherhood at 12...siao..tired leh...arrggghhh..who cares abt him..
The match sux...the pitch is like shit...so bumpy and u can hardly run...had only a few touches...everything abt the match sux...the players, the opponents, the fights etc...especially the post match talk..hate it when ah bui talks abt commitment...committment shouldn't be said...its something which players show...once he said we have no commitment its like the whole team feel damn demoralise...haiz..dun think he understands...how to give 100 percent when most of us actually have something more impt...some have gfs, army's a headache..think he'll have to experience army life b4 he noes it. And somemore he wans to be a forward..."for my own gd, not the team" !!!! didn't guoliang said we shld play to our gd pts and not to the positions we like...so i guess his dribbling and shooting muz be damn gd to consider that...haven he change enuff...frm def to def mid and now to forward...haven we got enuff forwards..we got more forwards than a world class club!!! our defs numbers are pathetic...i guess if i'm a bit selfish and start to think i'm a forward...they can go ahead and bench me and see how the team survives with juz 2 defs and a makeshift one...its juz nonsense..shld i have told them earlier? dun think they understand oso...
1st driving lesson...quite fun...in fact very nervous...guess i look like a cock..haizz...lesson so short...damn it...really muz pass final theory...i wan more lessons...looks like driving's gonna be fun..juz hope any accidents dun happen lor..this week has been gd..really gd..hope next wk gonna be gd too...kinda look forward to work ya...with the pdf guys, the dogs and foong! Hope i can have a dog after i ord...something like sonja wld be nice...angus wld be the best!!!
The match sux...the pitch is like shit...so bumpy and u can hardly run...had only a few touches...everything abt the match sux...the players, the opponents, the fights etc...especially the post match talk..hate it when ah bui talks abt commitment...committment shouldn't be said...its something which players show...once he said we have no commitment its like the whole team feel damn demoralise...haiz..dun think he understands...how to give 100 percent when most of us actually have something more impt...some have gfs, army's a headache..think he'll have to experience army life b4 he noes it. And somemore he wans to be a forward..."for my own gd, not the team" !!!! didn't guoliang said we shld play to our gd pts and not to the positions we like...so i guess his dribbling and shooting muz be damn gd to consider that...haven he change enuff...frm def to def mid and now to forward...haven we got enuff forwards..we got more forwards than a world class club!!! our defs numbers are pathetic...i guess if i'm a bit selfish and start to think i'm a forward...they can go ahead and bench me and see how the team survives with juz 2 defs and a makeshift one...its juz nonsense..shld i have told them earlier? dun think they understand oso...
1st driving lesson...quite fun...in fact very nervous...guess i look like a cock..haizz...lesson so short...damn it...really muz pass final theory...i wan more lessons...looks like driving's gonna be fun..juz hope any accidents dun happen lor..this week has been gd..really gd..hope next wk gonna be gd too...kinda look forward to work ya...with the pdf guys, the dogs and foong! Hope i can have a dog after i ord...something like sonja wld be nice...angus wld be the best!!!
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