I read the hororscope that nov will be a great month for me and it was right...everything was juz great. I got my driving license, went through the dog parade sucessfully and organise a bbq which well, almost was a sucess. Sigh....i cooked all night and didnt get to interact with them at all which was really disappointing....but i was happy. I used to be this sad guy who could be put down by juz anything, even a simple comment...but i think i grew out of it. Somehow i felt i could control my mood better...one of the ways is to be happy or content about little things that happen to me...like yesterday...i was juz happy to served them...doing the cooking. All the concerns, praises that they gave me made me felt it was all worthwhile...tt was why i could keep myself happy for days...juz becos of small reasons like this...Everyone has changed...hmm..u noe what i mean...she kinda look diff now....but still cold as usual...haha...juz so happy to see everyone together...makes me feel organising this bbq was all worthwhile.
Sigh...xmas is here and somehow i dun have a single reason to celebrate....somehow still working in this month is kinda damping my spirits. Juz hope something good will cheer me up during xmas...my friends are having duty on xmas....makes me wonder what i'm gonna do on xmas...i dun wan to spend it alone...suddenly i juz feel all so lonely again...damn...why do i always reach this feeling of mine.............
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Nobody knows
Hmm...Dumbledore had this pensieve, something like a wash bowl, where he got place his thoughts in it when his mind got full....sometimes i wish i had one of those....so i wun think of something i dun wan but juz view it like a photo album. i wanted to tell this to you, u're my best frend...but u went australia...i didnt had anyone then and i couldnt trust anyone...so tink i juz write it here...dun think anyone will take a look too so i feel safe.
It was 6 years ago....i was in this class and knew little people...'she' was the first gal i knew i think...yeah...and we kinda hit it off well...really enjoyed the times we tok online...can still rem once we tok till dawn...everything was fun and gd...life at 13 and 14 was...wanted to tell her how i felt but everytime i felt inferior and backed to the darkness....heard rumours she liked me but didnt thought it was real...i knew something like that would happen...its all my fault...i kinda know gals like her couldnt stay single for long...den i found out u had him as ur bf....he was my gd frend...ever there for me and nice...=) didnt noe y...tt night i didnt cry...i thought i did...but i didnt...but yes i was upset definitely..i thought i would juz breakdown cos i didnt felt like that for someone b4 but i didnt....i juz had sleepless nites...thinking rubbish and reasons why u chose him...i blame the whole world but myself...i was wrong...i went quiet, low in confidence..walk with my head down all day...i wasnt myself...u noticed that i noe...i'm sorry...if time returns i shld have been more graceful.
Den u broke up with him...i wondered y i didnt cry that day when u had him...maybe i didnt like u deep enough...i wasnt happy with the breakup den...i realise how stupid i was feeling sad...u told him it was for ur results.......we didnt tok........even after we graduated.....u went one sch and me another.....i thot my world was free of u till one day, the day i dread came true...u asked me...whether i felt something for u den....u tried to make me admit it...but yes...u alraedy noe it so y make me say it...did u noe how much fake smiles and lonliness i went thru juz to forget about u? so what if i say yes...the feeling is nv the same again....yes, i do think abt u but the feeling is not there anymore....u're juz a memory to me now...u didnt tok to me after that night....guess i said something strong to u....heard u had another bf in ur new sch...wish u happiness....sigh...nv ever told my best frend abt the nite she tok to me....tt was the first time i felt wat was love...with pain regretfully...haiz...wonder how she is now....
Guess this incident is still huanting me.....draining all my confidence in knowing gals....sometimes i wonder if 50 years down the road i'll be those ah peks walking on the roads...so lonely...tts why my frends are so impt but the gd ones are few....haizzz....wish i could be with u in aust....nobody noes me as well as u do le....
It was 6 years ago....i was in this class and knew little people...'she' was the first gal i knew i think...yeah...and we kinda hit it off well...really enjoyed the times we tok online...can still rem once we tok till dawn...everything was fun and gd...life at 13 and 14 was...wanted to tell her how i felt but everytime i felt inferior and backed to the darkness....heard rumours she liked me but didnt thought it was real...i knew something like that would happen...its all my fault...i kinda know gals like her couldnt stay single for long...den i found out u had him as ur bf....he was my gd frend...ever there for me and nice...=) didnt noe y...tt night i didnt cry...i thought i did...but i didnt...but yes i was upset definitely..i thought i would juz breakdown cos i didnt felt like that for someone b4 but i didnt....i juz had sleepless nites...thinking rubbish and reasons why u chose him...i blame the whole world but myself...i was wrong...i went quiet, low in confidence..walk with my head down all day...i wasnt myself...u noticed that i noe...i'm sorry...if time returns i shld have been more graceful.
Den u broke up with him...i wondered y i didnt cry that day when u had him...maybe i didnt like u deep enough...i wasnt happy with the breakup den...i realise how stupid i was feeling sad...u told him it was for ur results.......we didnt tok........even after we graduated.....u went one sch and me another.....i thot my world was free of u till one day, the day i dread came true...u asked me...whether i felt something for u den....u tried to make me admit it...but yes...u alraedy noe it so y make me say it...did u noe how much fake smiles and lonliness i went thru juz to forget about u? so what if i say yes...the feeling is nv the same again....yes, i do think abt u but the feeling is not there anymore....u're juz a memory to me now...u didnt tok to me after that night....guess i said something strong to u....heard u had another bf in ur new sch...wish u happiness....sigh...nv ever told my best frend abt the nite she tok to me....tt was the first time i felt wat was love...with pain regretfully...haiz...wonder how she is now....
Guess this incident is still huanting me.....draining all my confidence in knowing gals....sometimes i wonder if 50 years down the road i'll be those ah peks walking on the roads...so lonely...tts why my frends are so impt but the gd ones are few....haizzz....wish i could be with u in aust....nobody noes me as well as u do le....
Friday, September 17, 2004
Failure!!!
Saw this smss gal on the bus 67 yesterday at 730....boy she was cute....had to stand beside her becos of the crowd...she's not the kind that was very attractive but her eyes juz caught my attention....mind went bongers again...wanted to ask her her name...her age...juz wanted to noe her...but in the end i alighted before her with nothing but juz some dead dreams...noticed she was carrying this blue adidas bag...haizz...juz wish i have the courage sometimes to approach people...is it this lack of courage that makes me such a failure in relationships? if it is...how many relationships have i ended before i even want them to start...haizz...duno...tink lost count ba..
Gals are so difficult...hardly ever noe wat they are thinking...sometimes they tell u their probs sometimes they dun...and its all a guessing game again...haiz...why is it love which is something that i dun think i have fate with is appearing and disappearing right in front of me so often? am i craving too much for it thus i am thinking too much? if not i dun wan to feel like that...man...i juz wish i could be like my seniors...single...so carefree...i wan to be like them...i dun wan to think about this love thingy which is nothing but juz empty dreams and promises...
Gals are so difficult...hardly ever noe wat they are thinking...sometimes they tell u their probs sometimes they dun...and its all a guessing game again...haiz...why is it love which is something that i dun think i have fate with is appearing and disappearing right in front of me so often? am i craving too much for it thus i am thinking too much? if not i dun wan to feel like that...man...i juz wish i could be like my seniors...single...so carefree...i wan to be like them...i dun wan to think about this love thingy which is nothing but juz empty dreams and promises...
Monday, July 19, 2004
Sunday events
had a quarrel with care last nite....damn it...dun even noe if its a quarrel. He's always like this...juz thinking abt himself...Today match leh..he noes i'm going rite...he dun wan to play den i muz follow him meh...still see brotherhood at 12...siao..tired leh...arrggghhh..who cares abt him..
The match sux...the pitch is like shit...so bumpy and u can hardly run...had only a few touches...everything abt the match sux...the players, the opponents, the fights etc...especially the post match talk..hate it when ah bui talks abt commitment...committment shouldn't be said...its something which players show...once he said we have no commitment its like the whole team feel damn demoralise...haiz..dun think he understands...how to give 100 percent when most of us actually have something more impt...some have gfs, army's a headache..think he'll have to experience army life b4 he noes it. And somemore he wans to be a forward..."for my own gd, not the team" !!!! didn't guoliang said we shld play to our gd pts and not to the positions we like...so i guess his dribbling and shooting muz be damn gd to consider that...haven he change enuff...frm def to def mid and now to forward...haven we got enuff forwards..we got more forwards than a world class club!!! our defs numbers are pathetic...i guess if i'm a bit selfish and start to think i'm a forward...they can go ahead and bench me and see how the team survives with juz 2 defs and a makeshift one...its juz nonsense..shld i have told them earlier? dun think they understand oso...
1st driving lesson...quite fun...in fact very nervous...guess i look like a cock..haizz...lesson so short...damn it...really muz pass final theory...i wan more lessons...looks like driving's gonna be fun..juz hope any accidents dun happen lor..this week has been gd..really gd..hope next wk gonna be gd too...kinda look forward to work ya...with the pdf guys, the dogs and foong! Hope i can have a dog after i ord...something like sonja wld be nice...angus wld be the best!!!
The match sux...the pitch is like shit...so bumpy and u can hardly run...had only a few touches...everything abt the match sux...the players, the opponents, the fights etc...especially the post match talk..hate it when ah bui talks abt commitment...committment shouldn't be said...its something which players show...once he said we have no commitment its like the whole team feel damn demoralise...haiz..dun think he understands...how to give 100 percent when most of us actually have something more impt...some have gfs, army's a headache..think he'll have to experience army life b4 he noes it. And somemore he wans to be a forward..."for my own gd, not the team" !!!! didn't guoliang said we shld play to our gd pts and not to the positions we like...so i guess his dribbling and shooting muz be damn gd to consider that...haven he change enuff...frm def to def mid and now to forward...haven we got enuff forwards..we got more forwards than a world class club!!! our defs numbers are pathetic...i guess if i'm a bit selfish and start to think i'm a forward...they can go ahead and bench me and see how the team survives with juz 2 defs and a makeshift one...its juz nonsense..shld i have told them earlier? dun think they understand oso...
1st driving lesson...quite fun...in fact very nervous...guess i look like a cock..haizz...lesson so short...damn it...really muz pass final theory...i wan more lessons...looks like driving's gonna be fun..juz hope any accidents dun happen lor..this week has been gd..really gd..hope next wk gonna be gd too...kinda look forward to work ya...with the pdf guys, the dogs and foong! Hope i can have a dog after i ord...something like sonja wld be nice...angus wld be the best!!!
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