Nobody knows

Hmm...Dumbledore had this pensieve, something like a wash bowl, where he got place his thoughts in it when his mind got full....sometimes i wish i had one of those....so i wun think of something i dun wan but juz view it like a photo album. i wanted to tell this to you, u're my best frend...but u went australia...i didnt had anyone then and i couldnt trust anyone...so tink i juz write it here...dun think anyone will take a look too so i feel safe.
It was 6 years ago....i was in this class and knew little people...'she' was the first gal i knew i think...yeah...and we kinda hit it off well...really enjoyed the times we tok online...can still rem once we tok till dawn...everything was fun and gd...life at 13 and 14 was...wanted to tell her how i felt but everytime i felt inferior and backed to the darkness....heard rumours she liked me but didnt thought it was real...i knew something like that would happen...its all my fault...i kinda know gals like her couldnt stay single for long...den i found out u had him as ur bf....he was my gd frend...ever there for me and nice...=) didnt noe y...tt night i didnt cry...i thought i did...but i didnt...but yes i was upset definitely..i thought i would juz breakdown cos i didnt felt like that for someone b4 but i didnt....i juz had sleepless nites...thinking rubbish and reasons why u chose him...i blame the whole world but myself...i was wrong...i went quiet, low in confidence..walk with my head down all day...i wasnt myself...u noticed that i noe...i'm sorry...if time returns i shld have been more graceful.
Den u broke up with him...i wondered y i didnt cry that day when u had him...maybe i didnt like u deep enough...i wasnt happy with the breakup den...i realise how stupid i was feeling sad...u told him it was for ur results.......we didnt tok........even after we graduated.....u went one sch and me another.....i thot my world was free of u till one day, the day i dread came true...u asked me...whether i felt something for u den....u tried to make me admit it...but yes...u alraedy noe it so y make me say it...did u noe how much fake smiles and lonliness i went thru juz to forget about u? so what if i say yes...the feeling is nv the same again....yes, i do think abt u but the feeling is not there anymore....u're juz a memory to me now...u didnt tok to me after that night....guess i said something strong to u....heard u had another bf in ur new sch...wish u happiness....sigh...nv ever told my best frend abt the nite she tok to me....tt was the first time i felt wat was love...with pain regretfully...haiz...wonder how she is now....
Guess this incident is still huanting me.....draining all my confidence in knowing gals....sometimes i wonder if 50 years down the road i'll be those ah peks walking on the roads...so lonely...tts why my frends are so impt but the gd ones are few....haizzz....wish i could be with u in aust....nobody noes me as well as u do le....

Failure!!!

Saw this smss gal on the bus 67 yesterday at 730....boy she was cute....had to stand beside her becos of the crowd...she's not the kind that was very attractive but her eyes juz caught my attention....mind went bongers again...wanted to ask her her name...her age...juz wanted to noe her...but in the end i alighted before her with nothing but juz some dead dreams...noticed she was carrying this blue adidas bag...haizz...juz wish i have the courage sometimes to approach people...is it this lack of courage that makes me such a failure in relationships? if it is...how many relationships have i ended before i even want them to start...haizz...duno...tink lost count ba..
Gals are so difficult...hardly ever noe wat they are thinking...sometimes they tell u their probs sometimes they dun...and its all a guessing game again...haiz...why is it love which is something that i dun think i have fate with is appearing and disappearing right in front of me so often? am i craving too much for it thus i am thinking too much? if not i dun wan to feel like that...man...i juz wish i could be like my seniors...single...so carefree...i wan to be like them...i dun wan to think about this love thingy which is nothing but juz empty dreams and promises...